Letting Go of Appearances
“It feels like all the couples we’re friends with have it together. It’s nice to talk to someone who doesn’t pretend their life is perfect.”
Her initial intent was to check on me since our family is still finding our “new normal” after a season of change, but it wasn’t long into my call with this young wife that she began asking if I’d ever faced issues in my marriage similar to what she was experiencing. Concern for her marriage seemed to spur her into sharing what she was facing. Miscommunication. Frustration. Arguments. We talked through each situation and I shared similar incidents from my own marriage, times I’d felt just like her and wondered if my husband understood anything I was saying or if the problem was really me. Nearly three hours later, she thanked me for being real with her and for not trying to appear as if my marriage was perfect.
What struck me most was her feelings of isolation in the face of common marriage issues. Despite having married friends her age, no one around her was willing to open up about what they’d been through. Instead, she saw wives who only shared the positive experiences of marriage, as if they never faced trials or struggled to overcome the challenge of merging their past with their future. It left me wondering how often we miss the opportunities to help those around us by pretending we are not flawed? Especially within the church, people seem to embrace a certain image, as if we aren’t all sinners living in an imperfect world. We smile past the tears and tell those who ask that we are fine, even if our world is really falling apart.
Do we try to paint a perfect picture?
Society places so much value on image, it comes as no surprise that most people want to appear “together” and successful. But, the perfect picture we paint for those watching us presents an unrealistic image of the life we actually lead. Perhaps, as with the couples surrounding the young woman I spoke to, we actually create a stumbling block for others who buy into the false depiction of our lives that we present. Our “perfect” life is a sharp contrast to what they may be experiencing, and it adds to the feelings of isolation they already feel. Rather than share our struggles and how we overcame them, we hide them and leave others to suffer in silence.
“Consider it all Joy…”
James 1:2 tells us to “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials.” Each trial we face is a chance to grow personally and spiritually, and it creates future opportunities to minister to people going through similar circumstances. When we present an authentic view into our lives, our marriages, our parenting, our faith, we find connections with others around us that need to hear about our failures and how God turned them into successes. We need to share the heartbreaks and how we were healed. Even the unresolved stresses can be shared to show our faith or God’s provision.
The things I shared with that young woman on the phone weren’t earth shattering. I don’t have insight into relationships no one else has discovered. However, I did allow myself to be vulnerable, authentic, and real. I opened up about some of the hardest years of my marriage, some of the struggles from my past, and flaws in me that I had to overcome…things we’ve all likely faced in our lives. What made a difference to this woman was that I was willing to share when no one else was. I wasn’t afraid of upholding my image.
How easily could you make a difference in someone’s life by giving up appearances and giving them an authentic view into your life?