How to Deal with Church Hurt
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I remember my mom saying once that her parents didn’t prepare her for the real world, or how to deal with church hurt, because they never disagreed in front of her. As a child, I thought it was odd that she felt that way, but I can see now that the way my grandparents lived their faith was different than most.
Because of them, I never thought you could get hurt in a church. My grandparents taught God as love and that was my expectation for all Christians, all churches.
In college, we “adopted” a cousin into the family and tried to come up with a creative story on why their branch of the family had been disowned. We asked my grandmother a million questions, “what if’s” about this imaginary child of hers. Her answer was always the same. They’d still be her child. She would still love them.
Love others unconditionally
That attitude has always been at the forefront of how we do ministry. We’ve loved on youth confused about their sexuality, addicted to drugs, or dealing with abuse at home. Some of the people who have touched my heart the most wouldn’t be welcome into most homes or churches. I’ve cried when leaving juvenile detention centers because we couldn’t take the young men there with us. I’ve had long discussions with gang members about their life. We’ve even opened our home to a family we barely knew because their house was destroyed by fire.
When others in our church cringed or were amazed at our actions, I should have known that not everyone loves the way we were taught to love.
Yet, when we faced a season of life that could have stigmatized our family, not one person treated us as less. The church we’d served in for over 10 years rallied around us. They loved us, cared for us, and served us through the darkest time in our lives. Not just one church, but new friends walked alongside us as well. Everyone seemed to be showing us that sacrificial love of God.
Experiencing church hurt
We felt loved until…we tried to return to serving at our home church. Suddenly, our past made people uncomfortable and we weren’t fit to serve.
Until…we decided it was time to leave the new church we’d begun serving in. Now, our past was something they shared with others to point out how loving they could be, a pat on their back for not ostracizing us.
Both incidents were a shock to us. Were these people who seemed to stand beside us when things were hard now revealing their true feelings about us?
Suddenly, we understood how church can hurt.
How to deal with church hurt
After a time of prayer and discussion with close friends, we have been able to let go of the hurt and forgive those who intentionally or unintentionally caused that pain. While we are not ready to embrace them back into our lives, we always look to the lessons we can learn when we face road bumps in our journey.
Here are just a few of the things we learned from our hurt.
We were hurt by people within the church, not the church.
Sometimes it’s easier to blame the whole church for the actions of one person. Even if multiple people act together, the whole church isn’t to blame. The church is a body of believers, not just within one building but universally. While it may not be comfortable returning to the place you were hurt, don’t walk away from all Christians because of the actions of a few.
Even church leaders are capable of sin.
Romans 3:23 says “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (NASB). A good friend at our old church used to always say, “All means all and that’s all all means!” No matter who you are, or what position you hold in the church, you are capable of sin. From our experience, temptation presents itself more often the closer you try to get to God. When we understand that our pastors, elders, deacons, etc. are still sinners, and so are we, it can be easier to accept that they will make mistakes too.
God loves us, despite our past.
No matter what we have done, God loves us. He knew all the mistakes we’d make, and He created a plan to grow us and use our circumstances to reach people for Him (Romans 8:28). Even if people around us are judging our past, we can trust that Christ already paid the price for our sins when He died on the cross because He loves us.
We are all called to love others, even our enemies.
Matthew 22:37-39 details some of Christ’s teaching on love. We are to love God with all that we are and we are to love our neighbors. Matthew 5: 44 even says we should love our enemies and pray for those who mistreat us. In the midst of hurt, that may be hard to embrace, but those prayers for “enemies” help to take our eyes off our own feelings and allow God to work on our heart.
I can’t say that feelings of hurt won’t resurface. Some of it is still new and raw and the impact of it may not have been seen yet. Instead of dwelling on the hurt, I try to reflect on God’s love rather than the actions of others and to remember that despite what people may think, our pasts are forgiven!
What about you?
Have you experienced hurt in church? Have you overcome the pain or are you still holding onto it? If you’d like prayer, you can comment below or send your request to admin@inthegrayarea.com.